Friendships, counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar tells us on Today with Claire Byrne, are hugely significant in our lives. Friendship is an important contributing factor for psychological wellbeing.
"They're there for a source of support, they alleviate stress; there’s also studies showing that having good friendships around you can help longevity."
So – pretty important. And being a good friend requires effort. Good friends can overlook things when necessary, so if a person hasn’t been in touch for a while for whatever reason, it won’t be held against them. A good friendship is a two-way street:
"The person will usually have fairly good self-esteem, so they know what to expect and they know what's comprisable and what isn’t."
According to the figures, women tend to have longer, healthier friendships than men, although that is changing a little.
Men, Niamh says, don’t seem to need everyday contact about the details of their lives, whereas women tend to need a lot of emotional connection in their friendships. That dynamic seems to be changing somewhat:
"But more and more – and I see it in therapy now – more and more men are coming to me saying: 'Yeah, no, I chat to the lads, you know, I told them about it.’ Now, not the whole group, but they are opening up more, I think, about if they’re not feeling great."
But what happens when a friendship becomes toxic?
What is a toxic friendship anyway? Well, Niamh says, it’s not just about disagreements or two people being in different stages of life, it’s altogether more fundamental than that:
"It’s more when there’s no emotional support. Trust might be breached and there’s kind of a continuous breaching of boundaries. And they’re not really listening to you if you ask for your needs to be met."
A toxic friendship can also be very one-sided, with one person almost ending up as the other’s therapist. But recognising that you’ve got a toxic friend can be difficult because the toxic behaviour is often very subtle.
"If it’s constantly a feeling, you know, you might get a felling when you’re with the person, and you’re felling drained after it or not feeling good about yourself, or they’re doing little swipes at you all the time, it can be very damaging to the self-esteem."
Niamh advises that anyone who suspects they may have a toxic friend should reflect on whether the friend in question really has their best interests at heart, whether or not they have their back. But what are the ways we can use to get out of a toxic friendship once we’ve identified that we’re in one?
"It is tricky, but it doesn’t have to be too complicated. So really, it’s to make the choice, okay, assess it – is this really worthwhile, salvageable? Is something going to change here? Or maybe there’re fundamental behaviours that have gone too far."
If the conclusion is that the friendship is salvageable, then Niamh advises being adult about it – name it, address it. Tell the person that when the behaviour happens and it’s happened a lot recently, it makes me feel a particular way:
"So you’re going back to the 'I', rather than you did this, you did that. So, then you gauge that and see if that’s taken onboard."
Because a friend – a non-toxic friend – may not realise how their behaviours are affecting us. And it’s important to let them know how they’re making us feel.
What is the motivation, Claire asked, for the person who takes side swipes at their friend, who undermines their friend’s confidence, who gaslights their friend? Niamh says it may come down to self-esteem:
"That person may not have great self-esteem themselves. There could be jealousy, there could be resentment. Because friends need to be there for you in the good times, but also in the bad times as well.
"But they need to be happy for you, if you’re successful or if you’re doing well, you want to feel that too. So the side swipes could be a lot of things. They may not be happy in their own life. They may have a lot of issues that they haven’t worked out themselves and they’re kind of dumping on you a bit."
And that’s when it might be time to sunset a friendship. Niamh advises a slow fade rather than an abrupt cutting off or shouting match:
"You don’t want to get into a conflict. You want to stay in the adult and try and leave as amicably as you can, like you would in any relationship, you know, in romantic relationships, it’s better for everybody. But it’s not always possible because are they going to be adult as well?"
Having the strength to distance ourselves from a toxic friend, Niamh says, is down to self-esteem – something that’s important in all aspects of our lives:
"The more that we can work on our own self-esteem, the better for everything – for our relationships, for our work colleagues, with everything."
That’s the key: keep your real friends close, slowly guide your toxic friends away.
You can hear Claire’s full conversation with Niamh by clicking above.
