Counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar shares her tips for setting healthy boundaries in relationships.
There are frequent references on social media to 'having boundaries', but what does this latest buzzword actually mean in real life? 'Therapy speak' can often get thrown around or misinterpreted, but what does it actually mean?
An unhealthy boundary is when someone has ‘crossed the line’ or taken advantage of another person. What we say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to informs our boundaries.
In counselling, at the workplace, among families, with friendships and in intimate relationships, psychological boundaries are essential for self-protection and enjoying healthy interactions. Some people have built up high walls around themselves, which is an isolating experience and limits social connections.
At the other extreme, some have such low walls that anyone can trample in on their emotional territory inappropriately. People can be far too open or too closed. With healthy boundaries, a person discerns between who to bring in closer and who to keep a distance from.
Others may push against the laying down of boundaries. When this happens we feel angry, anxious or uncomfortable. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a complex ongoing process, and an integral part of psychological well-being.
Boundaries are psychological limits that keep our personal dignity intact and unharmed. They are the standards of treatment that we expect from others and our guidelines for social engagements. There are physical boundaries that dictate acceptable proximity to others, behavioural boundaries guiding appropriate actions and emotional boundaries.
Certain people, such as bullies or those exploiting power, can make it very difficult to keep boundaries intact. Setting boundaries prevent us becoming enmeshed with others, yet enhances connections. Boundaries evolve from upbringing, experiences, culture, value systems, personality traits and communication styles.
How to set and maintain boundaries
1. Self-awareness
Assess your boundaries. Do you respect your own and those of others? Saying no can be said in many different ways including ‘let me get back to you’ or ‘I’m not available that day’. Reflect on what prevents you from saying no. Is it fuelled by people pleasing, fear of conflict or other barriers?
2. Know your circle
There will be people in your inner circle, outer circle and periphery and that’s okay, even if they are family members. It can shift throughout your life. Accept who is close and who isn’t at this point in time. With some people you can express your needs and expectations, whereas with others this may not be possible.
3. Work on your self-esteem
How you feel about yourself is closely associated to the boundaries you set. Creating boundaries reflect your needs, which boosts self-esteem. The higher your self-esteem is the healthier boundaries will be, and what is and isn’t acceptable becomes clearer.
4. Learn from your interactions
It is a complex ongoing process. Make amends for any boundary errors you have made or make. Reflect on breaches made against yours and address these or leave.
5. Communication
Name any boundary issue in a calm, assertive, and adult manner. For example, with someone just being nosey about an aspect of your personal life, just state that you are not comfortable discussing that. Some conversations are difficult but necessary. Only share personal information that you feel comfortable with.
Don’t surrender your boundary out of politeness or under pressure from overbearing personalities. If, after setting a boundary, it is ignored, let the person know the consequences. Experiment and practice at every opportunity.
Everyone is entitled to feel emotionally comfortable and safe with others and vice versa. Healthy boundaries involve self-respect and respect for others.
If it’s a struggle to set and hold boundaries, or it feels confusing and messy, learn some communication skills or explore in therapy. Any extreme violations of boundaries, such as abuse, need urgent reporting and intervention.
