Niamh Delmar is a Chartered Registered Counselling Psychologist and provides Psychological Support Workshops to work environments. Here, she writes about how we can stop anxious thoughts in their tracks.
Caring what others think can be positive and helps us to show sensitivity and consideration, however, it can become debilitating when it turns to excessive worry and obsessing. This is an issue often expressed by people coming to me for therapy.
Signs include rewinding conversations, fearing rejection, and over-analysing social interactions. The enjoyment of socialising gets tarnished by thinking about how your are being perceived. There is a fear of negative judgment and social disapproval.
The person seeks approval from, and is overly influenced by, others. Excessive external validation is when we rely on other people's opinions of us to validate our self-worth. There is a leaning towards pleasing others and being agreeable at all times. It can be a symptom of social anxiety, which needs to be assessed.
Feeling 'less than', and placing the other on a pedestal leaves the person is in a vulnerable position.
Social media can amplify worrying about what others think. Checking 'likes', comparisons with others, and presenting a shiny version of the self to fit in becomes the norm. People can get obsessed craving online external validation from vast numbers in the digital world. The focus is on outward presentations, and the more superficial aspects of social dynamics. It fosters a constant need for feedback.
Are you in the unhealthy zone of caring what others think of you?
If you are not being your real self, or are worrying excessively about others' opinions of you, it is damaging to your wellbeing. Social bonds offer fun, support and connection, and should not be a major source of stress.
Changing your beliefs, friends or interests to fit in is another sign of surrendering part of yourself to please others. Your opinion of yourself should not be influenced by somebody else's comments, unless they are genuinely in your best interest. Valuing others' opinions of you, ahead of your own, leads to psychological distress.
Why do people worry so much about what others think of them?
From a young age, people are in need to be accepted and loved. Self-esteem develops through the eyes of carers or parents. According to Psychologist Michael Gervais, our brains historically are hard wired for survival. Being accepted by the 'pack' thousands of years ago provided protection from outside dangers.
Not fitting in resulted in being rejected by the tribe, which could be life threatening. But while our ancient brains might still respond this way, it is no longer relevant to survival. Research has found that areas of the brain activated when feeling socially rejected are the same as when feeling physical pain. So, as humans, we are trying to avoid this discomfort.
The impact
Fear has a negative effect physiologically and mentally. Danger signals get sent to the brain which trigger the nervous system, resulting in a stress response. Excessive worry about what others think about us is harmful.
It also blocks our potential; opinions are stifled for fear of being rejected; boundaries don't get set; the person tends to give too much. Conforming at the extent of contentment is the fall-out. The authentic self may not develop, or gets stifled, as you play it safe or constantly try to impress.
It contributes to mood disturbances, and keeps you from enjoying the present moment. Interactions may suffer as a smooth exchange is hindered by misinterpretations and faulty mind-reading. People pleasing and excessive worry is also exhausting. You can lose yourself trying to be popular, clever, beautiful or wealthy. Your life can become limited, and your true identity underdeveloped or lost.
In the workplace, such fears can contribute to burn-out. On top of workload, obsessing about colleagues' opinions of you is exhausting. It can also restrict progress as you may be holding back. Fixating on the one person you feel doesn't like you or obsessing about one remark or criticism is damaging to your psychological health and professional confidence. It negates all the positive aspects of your working life.
Adolescents, in particular, may be impacted psychologically. They may not have developed strategies to protect themselves from harsh opinions of others. During this developmental stage of forming an identity, they often turn to peers to define themselves. In a digital context, this goes beyond wanting to fit in with close friends to a multitude of interactions with strangers online.
How to worry less about what others think of you
Remind yourself that your thoughts, perceptions and interpretations about an interaction may be inaccurate. Studies show that such fears are exaggerated, and that people do not judge us as harshly as we think. If you fall into black and white thinking, try to take a step back.
According to a phenomenon referred to as 'the liking gap', people underestimate how well they are liked after interacting with someone else. Your inner critic may incorrectly assume you are not liked during or after an encounter. Catch yourself mind-reading, ruminating and obsessing. They may not be thinking what you think. And if they are and it is unfairly negative, you don't need them in your life.
The more a person builds up their sense of self and identity, the less worried they tend to be about what others think of them. Untangle your self worth from how others view you. Self-awareness and self-acceptance develop robustness.
Try to build self-esteem, and focus each day on what is going well, and what you like about yourself. Be aware of your values and qualities. Strive to being authentic. Try not to live someone else's life or be like them.
Develop healthy boundaries with others by knowing what is and isn't your issue. If feedback is warranted, and in your best interest heed it. Care about the opinions of those who matter. You won't be everyone's cup of tea and vice versa.
Be aware that sometimes hurt people hurt others. Limit your time scrolling and looking at other people's lives. Let go of comparisons and focus on what you value about yourself and your life.
Everyone has, or will have, joy and struggles at different times. Social media presents versions of people, not their warts and all.
Don't let the fear hold you back from taking on life and engaging with others.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
